I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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