Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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