I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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