I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
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You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
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He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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