I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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