I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
