if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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