Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
