I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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