Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
