There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
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I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
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I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
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