Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
