So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
