She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I don't deserve a penis
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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