WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
