Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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