so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
