3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
