this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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