If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
