Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
