Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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