I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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