my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
