Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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