The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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