so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
