Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
