Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
