I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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