Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Randomize
