I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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