i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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