uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
