to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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