she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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