the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
