there's paper in my vomit.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
