Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
