i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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