im having a threesome with these popsicles
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
