Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
