Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
