I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
