from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
