They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
