I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just had sex on a roof
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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