look no pants
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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