Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
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there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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