I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
