is your mom at the bar?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
