Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Text me some of your sweat
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
