i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
