was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
