I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
